Boo!

Did you jump?

C'mon, you miserable bugger! It's Hallowe'en! Get into the ghostly, pagan spirit of things.

I could bore you with details of the show last night - which I thought was really good, apart from a bad case of the verbal shits - but that would be a trick, and I'm more in the mood for giving you a treat, of sorts, today... so... below is a short story I wrote that has a kind of monster in it. It's not really a Hallowe'en story, as such; but I haven't got time to write something new because I'm a fat, lazy, hairy bastard who just wants to sit on his arse all day finishing off his rather disappointing X-Files - Series 7 DVD boxed set.

That's Hallowe'en-ey, isn't it? Lots of scary monsters in that season - including the Fasceitious Duchovny beast, who has - by this stage - obviously lost interest in the series and become a little embarrassed at the gravitas he had - hitherto - been giving to the stories.

I will be attempting to write authoritatively on Lost three and a half years after that series has finished too.

Anyway. Without further ado...

Ava Lily and the Pocketophaunt

Ava Lily woke up one morning and the world was white. The garden was white, the birds shivering in the trees were white, the street in front of the house was white, and the roofs of all of the houses had been covered so completely that Ava thought she had woken up in an entirely new world that no one had got around to painting yet.

She jumped out of bed and put on all of her warmest clothes. She put on her woolliest vest with the picture of the polar bear on it.

ìHow apt!î thought Ava, as she pulled the vest on, ìI bet he would feel right at home outside!î

She put on her woolliest tights, her woolliest jumper, her woolliest coat ñ which, in truth, was now a little small for her, but it was definitely the woolliest, and warmest coat that she owned ñ , wrapped her woolliest scarf around her neck, pulled on - as best she could ñ her woolliest bobble hat, and then put on her only pair of gloves, which ñ thankfully - just happened to be made out of wool, which - as everyone knows ñ is by far the warmest fabric known to man.

Then, feeling stiff and floaty because of all of the thick, woolly layers she was wearing, she clapped herself on the forehead with one woolly glove and said, ìHow woollily I'm thinking this morning! I haven't even thought to wonder why my mummy and daddy haven't come in to say good morning.î

Ava Lily felt a little ashamed. She grabbed her favourite teddy - because she didn't think she could trust her own brain - and opened her bedroom door, ready for a great, woolly and white adventure.

ìMummy! Daddy!î she shouted on the landing, but the whole house was steeped in a muffled silence, and no one answered.

Ava Lily was mystified. Her mummy and daddy were normally up very early, bustling about making breakfast and getting ready for work.

She floated across the landing and looked in her mummy and daddy's bedroom.

The bed was empty, but made pristinely. Daddy's pyjamas were even flung, just as usual, in an untidy heap on the floor next to his side of the bed.

ìMummy will give him what for when she sees that!î thought Ava, and feeling a little worried that her daddy would get into trouble, she picked his pyjamas up and folded them as best she could, because it's not easy to fold anything whilst wearing a pair of woolly gloves.

Ava Lily then checked the bathroom, and her daddy's study, but there was still no sign of her mummy and daddy.

ìHave you any idea where they might be?î she asked teddy.
ìNo,î answered teddy truthfully.

Ava padded downstairs feeling more and more uneasy with every step she took.

Mummy and daddy weren't in the lounge, they weren't in the dining room, and they weren't in the kitchen, but it was as she was stood in the kitchen, wondering how on earth she was going to make her porridge when she couldn't reach the microwave, that Ava saw the first big clue.

Through the cat flap, in the otherwise unblemished snow outside, Ava could see a footprint. In fact, the longer she looked, the more footprints she could see. They were big and unusual footprints, quite unlike those made by a mummy or daddy. They went from close to the back door, and wound through the snow, in a haphazard fashion ñ as if whoever had left them had been struggling with a great weight ñ and ended by the wall at the bottom of the garden.

ìShould I follow them?î Ava asked teddy.
ìYes,î said teddy, who wasn't a great conversationalist.

Ava pulled her wellys on and opened the back door.

ìBrrr!î she said. It was very, very cold.

She trudged over to the footprints, making little squeaking noises in the snow, and looked at them thoughtfully.

The creature ñ whatever it was ñ had five toes, just like you or me, but the big toe wasn't on the outside of each foot, it was the one next to it. It looked extraordinarily strange. Ava Lily wondered how the creature ñ whatever it was ñ managed to stand up without doing the splits all the time.

She followed the creature's tracks to the garden wall, and noted that they disappeared. This would have left her flummoxed had she not seen a disturbance in the snow on top of the wall.

ìDo you think he,î Ava was sure it was a he, ìclimbed over the wall here?î she asked teddy.

ìYes,î he said.

Using the branches of a forlorn looking tree, Ava climbed up on to the wall and looked down. Sure enough, the strange footprints continued weaving through the snow on the other side. Down she jumped, making the snow puff up into her face. The footprints led up to the builder's yard behind Ava's house, and went through the gate, which was ajar even though it was a Sunday.

ìHow strange,î muttered Ava walking through the gate.

The footprints went in a circle in the middle of the yard and were hard to follow, but Ava was determined not to be outdone by a creature with freakish feet, and followed each twist in the creature's trail with determined eyes. The footprints then went over some bags of cement in the middle of the yard, around a pile of bricks, and passed under some long timbers. The creature was trying to confuse whoever was following it. It must have known about Ava Lily's pursuit.

Ava swallowed.

The footprints then crept close along the side of the wall and disappeared into the builder's lockup. The metal door had been forced open.

Ava swallowed again. Her heart hammered in her head, but if her mummy and daddy were in trouble, she was going to save them, or sacrifice teddy trying.

ìThanks,î said teddy.

Ava peered into the gloom of the lockup, but ñ because of the sun's glare on the snow ñ she couldn't see anything other than her breath fogging up into the air. She took a few steps forward and looked again, with a hand shading her eyes.

ìCan you see that?î she asked teddy, trembling,
ìNo,î he said, hoping that Ava would understand that he couldn't see anything on behalf of his not having any eyes.

Ava frowned. She wasn't even sure if she could see it either. In the near corner of the lockup there was a shaggy shadow, but it looked shaggier and less shadowy than you would generally expect a shadow to look.

ìHello,î shouted Ava, feeling a little ridiculous, ìAre you there?î
ìNo!î answered the shadow, ìI'm not!î

Ava Lily wasn't fooled,
ìWhat are you?î she asked.
ìI am a bay leaf,î said the creature that quite obviously was not a bay leaf.
ìNo, you aren't!î said Ava, who had seen her daddy using bay leaves to flavour salmon.
ìI am!î said the shadow,
ìYou aren't!î said Ava,
ìAm!î
ìAren't!î
ìAm!î
îAren't!î
ìAm!î

Ava realised that she wasn't going to win that particular argument, and took a step closer. She gasped. In the shadows there was a strange creature that looked just like an elephant, except it was very hairy, and had big pointy ears. It also stood on two legs and had a big fat belly.

ìAren't you fat?î she asked, before she could stop herself.
ìBig-boned!î said the creature through a quivering trunk.
ìAre you an elephant?î asked Ava.
ìNot really,î said the creature, it's eyes darting this way and that, as if it were looking for an escape route.
ìWhat are you, then?î asked Ava.
The creature sighed, ìI'm a secret, and I'm going to get into so much trouble if my boss finds out I've been discovered. You couldn't forget about me, could you?î

Ava thought for a second, ìI'll gladly forget about you if you help me look for my parents and tell me what you are.î

There was a pause, and a gust of wind whipped a flurry of snow across the builder's yard.

ìAll right then,î said the creature, still wreathed in shadow, ìI'm a pocketophaunt.î

Ava Lily could not help but laugh, it was such a funny name. She tried to stifle her mirth with a gloved hand but it was too late.

ìEveryone laughs,î said the pocketophaunt in a voice that would have made a stone cry, ìbut they'd all be sorry if I wasn't around!î
ìWhy?î asked Ava, trying to sound as sympathetic as possible.
ìBecause,î said the pocketophaunt puffing out its massive chest, ìmy job is very important. In fact, it's vital!î
ìWhat do you do?î asked Ava, her eyes glittering with curiosity.
ìI can't tell you,î replied the pocketophaunt.

Ava Lily sighed. The pocketophaunt was very tiresome. She made up her mind that she was better off trying to find her parents by herself, said a curt, ìSuit yourself,î and turned to walk away. After she had gone no more than two steps, the pocketophaunt's epiphanous voice echoed after her,

ìDon't you want to know, then?î
Ava turned back and said, ìI haven't got time to play games, I need to find my mummy and daddy!î
ìOh,î said the pocketophaunt, ìwhat about if I tell you quickly?î

Ava thought carefully. Her mummy and daddy were grown-ups, and wherever they were, they could probably look after themselves; but she was very keen to find them. She had been up for an hour and still hadn't had any breakfast.

ìGo on then,î she said, rubbing an icicle off teddy's nose.
ìWell,î said the pocketophaunt in a dramatic whisper, ìI tidy up lost things.î
ìWhat a silly sounding job!î exclaimed Ava Lily, quite unable to keep the words in her mouth.

A shudder passed down the length of the pocketophaunt's trunk,

ìAnd what kind of a state do you think the world would be in if someone wasn't there to tidy up all of the things people lose, eh?î

The pocketophaunt's strident tone scared Ava Lily a little, and she took a step back clinging onto teddy.

ìYou wouldn't be able to move for keys, odd gloves, purses, passports, library tickets, umbrellas, hats, cash cards, golf balls or hamsters. The world would be a right mess!î

Ava Lily had to admit, after due consideration, that the world would be a mess if all of these lost things were left to amass for eternity.

ìWhere do you put them?î she asked.

The pocketophaunt stepped into the light and stuck its belly out. Ava's mouth fell open: it wasn't a belly after all, but a big pouch like a kangaroo's, stuffed with all manner of bulky items,

ìI keep them in my pocket, of course,î said the pocketophaunt a little sniffily.

Ava's heart began to race a little. She had had a thought.

ìHave you found anything this morning?î

The pocketophaunt tried to itch its chin with the tip of its trunk, but couldn't quite reach.

ìLet me think... I found a pair of glasses over there in the snow, a tennis ball in the hedge over the road... it's not been easy this morning! Everything's covered in snow. Oh, and I found a fat hairy man, and a very pretty lady in the garden over that wall,î the pocketophaunt's trunk pointed back over Ava's garden wall.
ìMummy and daddy!î cried Ava.
ìWell, you can't have them back!î stated the pocketophaunt drily, ìRule four hundred and seventy two, paragraph seven, clause thirteen states, 'Finders, keepers, losers, weepers!'î

Ava burst into a flood of tears at the thought of not seeing her mummy or daddy again. The pocketophaunt was completely unimpressed by Ava's show of emotion, and pretended to look at a non existent watch on its furry wrist. Ava stopped crying and felt very angry. Angry enough, even, to shout.

ìIf you don't give me my mummy and daddy back immediately, I'll phone your bosses and tell them that you told me your secret!î
ìThey won't believe you!î said the pocketophaunt, ìI'll tell them you're making it up!î
ìWell,î said Ava, who was only stumped for a second, ìwhat will happen when I present my star witness?î she thrust teddy out towards the pocketophaunt, whose eyes had widened to the size of paddling pools,
ìHe didn't see a thing,î said the pocketophaunt, but his voice had gone all trembly and his furry knees were knocking together loudly,
ìYou did, didn't you?î said Ava to teddy,
ìYes,î said teddy.
ìYou wouldn't,î said the pocketophaunt, its voice bubbling with sobbing sounds,
ìI will, if you don't give me my mummy and daddy back!î

The pocketophaunt went very pale and started to rustle through the items in its pouch. There was some clanging and banging; the sound of an alarm clock going off and then stopping; a little squeak ñ perhaps from a hamster, and then the pocketophaunt pulled up a wellington boot attached to a leg, gave a great heave, and pulled Ava's daddy, looking surprised as custard, out onto the snowy floor of the builder's yard. Within seconds, the pocketophaunt had also managed to produce Ava's mummy too. She landed on her head, and sat there rubbing a bruise that rose up like Snowdon.

ìMummy! Daddy!î Ava cried, running over and giving them both a great big hug and many kisses,
ìWhere are we?î asked daddy gruffly,
ìYou got lost and picked up by the pocketophaunt, and I had to bargain with him until he let you go,î explained Ava breathlessly,
ìThe ocket... po... font?î said mummy, with both eyebrows raised,
ìThe pocketophaunt ñ there,î she pointed teddy into the shadows of the builder's lock-up, but the shadows were empty, and the pocketophaunt had gone.
ìWhat a fantastic imagination you have,î said Ava's daddy, picking himself up and dusting snow off his jumper, ìdefinitely above Ava-rage intelligence.î
ìI remember your daddy losing my car keys,î said mummy looking quizzical, ìso I sent him out to look for them, and then ñ when he didn't come back ñ I went to look for him, and then ñ well, we must have both fainted, or something...î
ìIt was the pocketophaunt. He collects lost things. Daddy must have bumped into him looking for the car keys, and you,î she said looking at her mummy ìmust have bumped into him looking for daddy.î protested Ava, but she could see from her parents' proud and confused, faces that she wasn't going to persuade them. Sometimes grown-ups preferred to treat the truth like a big spot on the end of their noses.

Ava Lily didn't mind. That nasty pocketophaunt had gone, and she had got her mummy and daddy back.

Most importantly, she could now have her porridge... Back to the top of the page...